


and it never feels out of place

by Anonymous



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, tw: mentions of cats: the musical, tw: red hot chili peppers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24637807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The Janet of the Opera is there, inside your mind.
Relationships: Janet (The Good Place)/Jianyu Li | Jason Mendoza
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7
Collections: Anonymous





	and it never feels out of place

One day Jason was chilling in his budhole when the mirror spoke to him.

It said, "Hi, Jason!"

"Hey, Janet," Jason replied. "Do you want to play Mario Kart with me? I have Cool Ranch Doritos and that dope nine layer dip you taught me to make."

The mirror opened and Janet came through and sat down next to Jason on her beanbag. "I'm afraid I don't have time for Mario Kart. I've spoken with Michael and he's agreed to let you sing the Countess in tomorrow's performance of _Il Muto_." Jason shrugged and ate another Dorito with a mountain of dip. "That's the lead role. We have to work on your songs!"

"The lead role?" said Jason. "I thought the lead role was the Muto dude. And how'd I get to be the Countess anyway? I'm just a humble member of the chorus and backup dancer. Unless... Michael finally watched my audition tape!"

"He didn't," said Janet. "But he _has_ heard you sing, and, more importantly, I've heard you sing, so I convinced him it would be in the opera's best interest to do the production with you in a starring role."

Jason leaned back and rubbed his head. "I don't know," he said. "That's a lot of work. Wait, does the Countess have any dance solos?"

"I believe Chidi has told you eighteen times so far that there are no dance solos in the opera."

Yeah, but did Chidi really know that? He'd been a professor, but not a professor of opera. (Jason'd asked Janet, and she'd reassured him that Philosophy was not an opera. It sounded like the name of an opera, but Janet said it was actually a discipline. Which was also not an opera, but it was a popular stage show at the second-best strip bar in Palatka.) "Okay," he said. "Let's work on the songs." His singing made Janet happy, and he wanted to make Janet happy. He frowned. "Are you sure Michael is okay with this?"

"Yes," said Janet, firmly removing the controller from his hands. "I complimented his chandelier and he understood me perfectly."

"It's a pretty dope chandelier."

"I know," said Janet, putting the chips and the dip to the side. "And it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it."

-

Sometimes, after practicing songs with Janet, Jason was glad he was mistaken for that silent monk dude but sometimes he wished a little that the silent monk dude's silence vows didn't have an exception for singing opera. Opera was exhausting. They sang a lot, and it was _never_ in English. Everything was supposed to be super emotional and moving, but Jason would have preferred singing some Red Hot Chili Peppers. Like, Love Rollercoaster, which was emotional and moving, because it was a rollercoaster. Of love! Or maybe Ariana Grande. He could write an opera based on Ariana and Pete's tragic love and ask to sing the lead role in that. He should bring that up with Janet, after they were done with this opera about a mute guy who somehow sang a bunch. 

"Hey," said Eleanor, when he got back to the choral rooms. "We heard you got the Countess. Congratulations, dude!"

Jason put his hands together and solemnly bowed. He'd found that this was a pretty good response to pretty much everything.

"I'm not even sure how this works," muttered Chidi. Jason bowed at him too.

"Come on." Eleanor hopped onto one of the makeup counters, swinging her legs back and forth and nearly kicking Chidi each time. "One, we have a new patron, who is a stone cold hottie and probably appreciates seeing more of the same on stage."

Jason bowed. Chidi didn't look all that happy about Eleanor calling Jason a hottie, but Jason did have two eyes and one two-way mirror.

"Two, the Countess? That role belonged to Denise. And Denise is a _major_ bench. Michael was probably itching to get rid of her."

That kind of made Jason sad. He'd have liked to believe that he got the part because he'd deserved it. Janet believed he'd gotten the part because he deserved it. And he believed Janet. She was a super smart robot and all that.

"Denise isn't that bad," said Chidi.

Eleanor burst out laughing, and then, probably realizing Chidi meant it, covered her mouth. "Um. You're right. Before I criticize the Jim Beam in my eye and all that."

"I don't think that's how the saying goes," said Chidi.

"Besides, she got into the Good Place," said Eleanor, maybe a little too quickly. "Everyone who gets into the Good Place is a good person, right?"

Jason tried not to look guilty at that moment, but it was super hard. So he just did the monk nod and smile again. Sometimes he felt kind of bad that he was faking being this good monk person in Heaven, especially when Eleanor and Chidi were really nice to him, but usually he remembered that if everyone bought into him being this Tibetan monk, they were probably too dumb to figure out he was a fake drug dealer from Florida. Donkey Doug had once gotten a fortune cookie that said, "Life is short, defraud racists," so Jason guessed it was okay.

"By definition," said Chidi. "But we're talking morally good, which doesn't always align with interpersonally good. One can be a saint without being agreeable company, and vice versa."

Jason got that. He wasn't, like, Florence Nightengown or anything, but he knew how to party.

"Thanks, genius," said Eleanor.

"And you just proved my point."

"Are you saying I'm disagreeable company?"

Jason left them to it and went back to his budhole. Janet wanted him to practice and he couldn't be around Chidi and Eleanor fighting like that because it was so hard not to say, guys, guys, can't we all get like super high and play fantasy football instead of arguing all the time? Also, don't we have jobs to do?

Michael, Jason was beginning to realize, was kind of bad at running an opera.

-

Or maybe he wasn't, because the next night, at the premiere of _Il Muto_ , Jason got five encores.

He was out on stage, beaming and bowing and doing a little dance, when maybe the hottest chick he'd ever seen (and he'd been to Miami) came up to him and handed him a bunch of roses and hugged him.

"Bravo, Jianyu," she said. "I don't suppose I've ever seen anything quite like that. What you did during the countess's aria was inspired."

Jason nodded and grinned. It had been so dope and it felt nice to be told other people thought it was dope too.

There was more of that at the afterparty, which wasn't much of an afterparty. They should have had a DJ, Jason thought. Or maybe just a lot of drugs. Eleanor and Chidi were there, but they were playing some kind of philosophical drinking game, and Michael was trying to sell stuff to some investors, and Denise was heading towards him with murder in her eyes and lots of toothpicks in her fists, when the hot lady from earlier swooped in and carried him off to safety, which in this case was a balcony.

She said her name was Tahani and that she was a patroness of the opera, and then she told him all about the arts and her childhood and how many times she'd seen shows with foreign names and famous people. Jason didn't mind hanging with her, but he found himself wishing he was back in his budhole, with Janet. He could talk to Janet, like, _really_ talk to her, because she knew he wasn't really a monk, but also because she was super chill and easy to talk to. Like, when they weren't training, they would talk about stuff like what flavor Pringles was the best, and which was the worst, and football stats, and the ineffable qualities of a neutrino and which clouds looked like alien lifeforms. Jason had never done or dealt neutrinos, but he was really good at the cloud thing.

"--so of course she won a Tony for it," Tahani finished.

Jason nodded and bowed solemnly, then figured he should put his hand over Tahani's heart for extra monk mysticism. 

"Oh," she said, and her eyes went all big and dark and soft. Maybe putting his hand close to a pretty lady's boobs wasn't the best idea he'd had in this afterlife but at least she wasn't screaming and pushing him away. "You are so right, Jianyu. I am still hurt in my heart about my sister. I need to find the strength to be the better person and forgive her and heal myself."

Jason nodded again. His neck was beginning to hurt. 

"You are so very talented and wise." Tahani gave him a hug. Her hair sort of smelled like Mountain Dew, except nice. "I shall meditate upon the wisdom that you have shared with me tonight. Thank you."

Jason nodded. He wished he could say she was welcome. Or that basically she'd done all of the work herself, like when Pillboi had had to move apartments but Jason and Donkey Doug had to flee from the police in the U-Haul they'd borrowed from the dollar store parking lot. They would have brought it back if they hadn't crashed it in the swamp, and by the time they managed to hitch a ride back to Jacksonville, Pillboi was all moved in.

It also reminded Jason of that because talking to Tahani was about as exhausting as helping Pillboi move apartments even if there weren't any alligators.

She bowed to him, then left, and Jason decided it was time to sneak off to his budhole and spend some quality time with his TV and Blake Bortles posters.

-

But Janet was waiting in his budhole. Which cheered Jason up at first. She was perched over her beanbag chair with her back straight and her knees all bent like it was a real chair, and not four inches below her floating butt, and she said, "What happened with the aria, Jason?" before he could even fist-bump her to celebrate their success.

"I forgot the words. So I sang this other sexy Italian song I know."

"Despacito is in Spanish, Jason," said Janet, totally unimpressed.

And Jason didn't blame her. He'd confused Italian and Spanish! Was being in a Heaven that was racist making him a racist too? But he'd lived his entire life in Florida without becoming a racist, so that didn't track. Jason didn't know what to think. He was, like, super tired and he just wanted to lie down and maybe smoke a bowl.

"And," Janet continued, "there is no breakdancing solo in the middle of the aria. _Or_ Despacito."

"I improvised," said Jason. "Besides, Tahani liked it."

Janet's eyes narrowed. "Did she."

"Yeah?" Jason couldn't remember the exact words. 

"And what does Tahani know about opera?"

"I dunno. A lot? She made it sound like she had to go to a lot of operas when she was a kid. Operas and museums, and not even the fun kind of museums, like the monster trucks and rude parrots ones. The boring ones, with boring pictures on the wall." Jason had felt so sorry for Tahani. She hadn't even been to the graffiti hall of fame. She was deprived.

"I have access to all of human knowledge," said Janet. "So, as much as I hate to say this, Jason, Despacito as an aria was neither fresh nor innovative. It was you forgetting the music we'd worked very hard on and taking the easy way out."

Jason shrugged. "Yeah, but I couldn't tell her that."

"Jason," said Janet. "We are trying to further your music career and share your gifts with the neighborhood! I thought you wanted to feel more a part of things here and get heard more."

He did. And Janet had been so nice and so helpful and she was always there with encouragement and really awesome nachos. So Jason hated to say, "Yeah, but I want to express _myself_. Through things like DJing and breakdancing, not long-ass songs about stuck doors. I'm a peacock, Janet, you gotta let me fly."

"Peacocks don't fly," said Janet, getting to her feet smoothly. "That's the joke from the 2010 comedy movie _The Other Guys_. We'll work on the Countess's role some more in the morning, Jason."

And then she was gone before Jason could tell her about the one time he and Donkey Doug totally saw a peacock fly from their neighbor's balcony down into the pool. But, like, maybe straight down into a bunch of filthy water hadn't been a very good flight.

But even if Jason didn't have wings that worked, he could still totally fly. Music would be his aeroplane. Although the TSA would never let him board because of all the arrest records and the monster-sized Monster drinks stuffed into his cargo pants pockets.

"Oh, Ariana," he said sadly, looking at her face on the poster and knowing she would understand if she were here. "Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of Jaguars." And then Jason remembered he wasn't in Jacksonville anymore. And that made him way sadder than he would have thought it would.

-

The next day, way earlier in the morning, like before noon, even, Jason went to Michael's office. But even though the door was open, Michael had someone else in there and he was arguing with them.

"Forget _Il Muto_ and _El Fausto_ and _La Diabla_ ," she was saying. "This is a stuffy old art form, it's time to spice it up a bit."

"For the last time, Vicky," said Michael, "we are not doing _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_. There isn't even a _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_!"

"There is now." There was a thud and Michael swore and Jason pushed open the door and made his best "is this a bad time? I bring peace" face. It was based on his "is this a bad time? I bring drugs" face so he was totally killing it. He'd only gotten shot at twice with that face and both times the bullets had hit other people.

"Ah," said Michael," sitting up in his chair. "Jianyu! What can I do for you?"

Jason looked around the room. The lady Michael had been arguing with was actually Denise. Maybe Vicky was her nickname. Or maybe Denise was Vicky's stage name.

Vicky/Denise looked at Jason like she knew he'd been selling her oregano instead of weed. Eleanor was right. She was really, really mad about the whole Countess thing.

Jason put his hand on his throat, then over his mouth. He closed his hand and then held it out to Vicky/Denise, opening his fist with a flourish like when magicians set doves free on TV.

"What the fork," said Vicky/Denise.

"I think what Jianyu is trying to say," said Michael, "is that he would like to give the lead in _Il Muto_ back to you. Of course, you seem intent on doing _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_ , so--"

"That role is mine," said Vicky/Denise, "and if you try to take it away from me again, Michael, I will cut you--" She stopped, seeming to remember that Jason was there, and gave a strained smile. "--some of my cake because we should never let artistic disagreements get in the way of friendship."

Eleanor was right, Vicky/Denise was a scary bench. Jason was really glad he'd never sold her fake drugs. He nodded and smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"Well," said Vicky/Denise, "I am off to practice the Countess's songs again. Smell you later!"

"She just gets worse and worse," Michael muttered.

Jason nodded knowingly because his dance crew had had some drama queens too.

"That was a very good thing you did today, Jianyu. Giving up the lead role to keep the peace. I just--does your patron know that you planned to do that?"

Jason had no idea what Michael meant by the patron thing, so he nodded knowingly again, and handed Michael a stapler.

Michael sighed. "Well, thank you. You have made my job easier. I know you're doing this out of the goodness of your heart, but if there's anything I can do for you--"

Jason pointed to the papers that were _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_. 

"Oh, sure," said Michael, and took his glasses off so he could rub his eyes. "Take it."

Sweet, Jason thought as he grabbed it and headed back to the chorus rooms. Maybe it even had I can haz cheeseburger. Jason loved I can haz cheeseburger.

-

It did not have I can haz cheeseburger. It was just a bunch of words and no pictures, even if it was all in English, or at least sort of English. Some of it was super trippy. Vicky/Denise must have totally written those parts when high. Jason was a little bummed out. He'd done a good deed and hadn't even gotten cat memes out of it.

"Hey, buddy," said Eleanor, and patted him on the shoulder. "Great show last night. Most entertained I've been at this opera place in a long time."

Jason smiled at her and let her high-five him.

"Also, I know Denise is in there bragging about how you've been bumped back down to us lowly choral singers and everything, but I gotta say, totally worth it."

Because he was supposed to be a silent monk Jason couldn't correct her but he felt bummed again. Why would Vicky/Denise lie? Why would Eleanor believe the lie if she'd liked his performance? Jason was beginning to think--

"So," said Eleanor, slinging an arm around his shoulders, "I saw you and that rich hottie sneak out of the party last night. How was it? Oh, right. Okay, I'll describe what I think she'd be like, and you let me know via hand signals if I've got it right."

"Eleanor," said Chidi, "I would imagine that's between Jianyu and Ms. Al-Jamil."

"Buzzkill." Eleanor leaned in. "But, seriously, is she a screamer? I bet she's a screamer. I bet she loses all that perfect control and stiff upper lip and just screams it out."

Jason thought Eleanor really needed to get laid and was trying to work out what hand signals would best tell her and Chidi to just bang already and had gotten as far as pointing to the two of them and then doing finger from one hand goes into circle of fingers from other hand, even if that wasn't really monklike he guessed, when the door opened again and Tahani came in.

"Jianyu, my darling," she said, "I've just heard! You've been demoted for expressing yourself!"

That sounded bad. Jason decided against using the fork already hand signs.

"It's always the way of art, isn't it?" Tahani knelt down and took Jason's face in her hands. She had bombass cleavage. "One tries to do something true to oneself and the outside world doesn't understand."

That was totally what had happened with Acidcat and DJ Music! It was like she got him! But it wasn't what had happened with the opera thing. Jason shook his head, and tried to do his best "I am at peace with this" face. He touched her shoulder, to let her know that he'd had worse artistic disappointments.

"I know," she said, "this is a great injustice. Your innovations have been misunderstood. Well, not to fear, Jianyu. As long as I am funding this opera company, I shall fight for your right to self-expression. I shall march straight into Michael's office and tell him to reinstate you into the lead role!"

Jason shook his head frantically no. Vicky/Denise was mean! And scary! And it was a lot of responsibility, being the Countess. And he had duets with Glenn and Glenn looked like this methhead in Jason's old apartment block that always tried to bite people when he got high. It was frankly kind of offputting.

"You are too modest. Never fear, for I--"

And that was when Janet came in. Jason wanted to wave at her, but she did not look happy. She made for them in a way that made Eleanor mutter, "Oh, shirt," and drag Chidi out of the room.

"Ja--Jianyu," she said, because Tahani was still there. "Michael made you step down from singing the Countess."

Jason really, really wished they were alone together so he could explain that he'd _volunteered_ , yo, but with Tahani hovering all Jason could do was put a hand over his heart to say, _No, Janet, that was me. I did it. Don't blame Michael._

"Oh," said Tahani, "of course you are sorely aggrieved, my darling. This is an insult up with we shall not put. And Michael will hear from me--"

"Michael will hear from _me_ ," Janet said sharply. 

"Oh, but--" Tahani flashed her dimples. They were nice dimples. "--as a major donor, you see, I have a certain cachet--"

"I'll tell you what you can do with your--" Janet stopped, then swallowed what might have been an insult. Jason was fascinated. He'd never seen her angry before. She was super hot when she was angry. "I have been with this company for literal eons, Ms. Al-Jamil. I think Michael might be more amenable to my suggestions than to your threats."

Tahani's eyes flew open. "I see," she said, though even Jason could tell she was just angry and insulted. "Well, try if you like, but if you _should_ need my help, Jianyu knows where to find me."

"I don't," said Jason, as soon as the door shut behind Tahani. "She just pops up like a bad guy in a video game."'

"Well, do you ever swat her down like you would a bad guy in a video game?"

"No," said Jason. "She's pretty. Also, I think she blinded me with English."

"Not a thing," said Janet. "Look, Jason, I can get you the part back. Tahani? Tahani can't get you the part back. She vastly overestimates this opera company's need for money and therefore her own importance."

"I guess," said Jason. That sounded like a dig at Tahani and he was kind of hoping they could all just get along. "But it was nice of her to offer?"

"Yes," said Janet. "Yes, it was."

Jason was so glad they were all getting along that he forgot to tell Janet he'd given the role back to Vicky/Denise in the first place. But Michael would explain it to her and she would understand and besides, Eleanor came back with a giant bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and a six pack of hard lemonade and said she wanted to introduce him to American delicacies and he wasn't going to say no. Well, he wasn't going to say anything, but if he did say anything, it wouldn't have been no.

-

And he kind of maybe regretted it when Janet showed up in his budhole and she didn't want to chill, she wanted to work with him, and Jason guessed he could have told her then only he didn't because he was trapped in a lie like the time he'd swallowed a Tide pod and ended up as part of the Florida state government and everyone was like, yes, Mr. Mendoza, if we build a moat around each school and fill it with alligators, maybe we could end gun violence. Which would have been the bomb, only the alligators wouldn't cooperate and Jason's career in politics was over, although it had been based on a lie to begin with. His whole thing with the Good Place was like that except with less bath salts and no hurricanes.

Their next performance was on Saturday and he wanted to warn Janet not to watch it so she wouldn't be disappointed in him except that was the afternoon Eleanor found _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_ in the chorus room and decided to do dramatic readings from it. Also he wanted to somehow mime it to Tahani but when he tried, she said, "No, Jianyu, Kamilah has stolen the spotlight from you far too often," and that had confused Jason because Denise had three names now? Which seemed really weird to Jason until he realized that he had three names too: Jason and DJ Music and now Jianyu. And then he sort of had an identity crisis and he let Eleanor share some Xanax and tequila with him and everything was golden until about halfway through act one during the Countess's first solo performance when there was an unholy shrieking noise that wasn't coming from the orchestra (Jason checked) but from one of those box-like things on the wall that people sat in to watch the opera.

"Hey!" yelled Denise, and stamped her foot, "I'm trying to sing here!"

"You do not deserve to sing this role!" said a great and terrible voice that sounded a little like death metal and also a little like someone Jason knew, even though he didn't listen to a lot of death metal. "You are not half the singer Jianyu is."

"Wha--"

"Michael," boomed the voice, and now Jason recognized it. It was Janet! He almost said hi to her but then remembered he was supposed to be being silent and also she sounded _pissed_. "You did not honor our agreement."

"Oh, come on," said Michael. "He forgot the lyrics last time--"

There was another screech and then the chandelier fell. It crashed into the audience with this huge boom and this crazy drunken tinkle of glass like when a Molotov cocktail shattered and some of the glass pieces fell on other glass pieces except much, much louder. There were screams and wails and then the voice, now sounding one hundred percent like Janet, shouted, "Sorry!"

"Janet?" Michael said, uncovering his head and looking at the ceiling. 

"I thought Janet had some kind of prime directive," said Chidi.

"It couldn't be Janet," said Tahani, from another of those box things. "She's so awfully nice."

Eleanor, meanwhile, grabbed at Jason's arm. "Hey," she said, and pointed down at the audience pit where the chandelier had landed and the audience was writhing around and groaning. "Don't those kind of look like demons to you?"

Jason looked back up the ceiling, still hoping for a glimpse of Janet. "Nah, they must have drunk some of that Masker-ade Michael was talking about."

Eleanor dropped his arm. "What the forking fork?"

"Oh my god," said Chidi weakly, also looking into the pit. "Are those what I think they are?"

Jason was still staring up at the ceiling, which was why he saw Janet grab a rope and swing down directly at them. She hit him going way too fast, wrapped an arm like a friendly python around his chest, and then everything went white. 

-

"Janet!" said Jason. They were in a really white room--like, whiter than the time Jason had accidentally gotten off a bus in Vermont--with nothing and no one else so he guessed it was okay to talk. "You dropped the chandelier! That was the bomb!"

"No," said Janet, "that was the chandelier."

Jason shrugged. Unlike Vermont there was, like, maybe something on the far side of whiteness. But as budholes went, Janet's was super bleak.

"Aren't you curious as to why I dropped the chandelier?"

"Because it was totally awesome?" And did anyone need more than that? If Jason had known how cool dropping chandeliers was, he'd have found every single chandelier in Florida and done it before he died. 

"Because Michael took away your star turn and gave it back to Denise."

"Um," said Jason. "Actually, I sort of hand signaled to him and Denise that she could have it back."

"What?"

"It was making everyone unhappy. It was just, like, you got to give it away now. Like, really got to give it away now."

Janet put her hands on her hips and began walking towards him. She was even scarier than Denise had been. She was looking like she knew he'd been selling oregano instead of weed-- _in her territory_. "Jason, do you know how hard I worked to get you that role, and the recognition you deserve?"

He really didn't, but he still probably shouldn't have said, "No?"

"But you thought you could stop me and spit in my eye," she said, still advancing. "You thought you could love me and leave me to die."

Leave her to die?

"Jason," intoned Janet, "can't do this to me, Jason!" And then she whirled around and stalked off.

"Janet," said Jason, hurrying after her, "Janet, come on, bro, I didn't mean to--" He tried to remember what it was she'd said. He hadn't spit in anyone's eye. Unless maybe by accident when they were in training, but Jason had learned from that time on the emu farm to never spit in anyone's eye. "I really liked singing with you! And I really like what you did for me! It was super nice. I was just scared and lazy and scared and lazy. I would have hung out with you no matter what, th--whoa."

There, on what Jason guessed was a wall in the whiteness, was a mural of him. There were pictures of him and clip art hearts and his name in swirly fonts. "You know MS Paint? You're an artist! This is so cool!"

And then he saw that the MS Paint thing was painted onto the pipes coming out of the back of one of those giant pianos from _Sister Act_. "Whoa," he said again. "You have a 3D printer?"

"Technically," said Janet, "I can function as a 3D printer. But this is my void, Jason. Whatever I wish to be here, is."

"Oh." Jason looked up at the mural. "And you want my face to be here. And my name. Janet," he said, slowly, "does this mean you like me?"

"Of course I like you," said Janet, flinging herself down at the piano bench. 

But-- "I mean, I know we're buds," said Jason. "I know that. But I don't draw little hearts around my buds. I don't even draw little hearts around Ariana. But I kind of want to draw little hearts around you."

"Oh!" For how smart Janet was and everything she seemed really surprised that he felt the same way. 

Jason did the one thing he could think of to show his love for her was real, and dropped to one knee, and said, "Janet, will you--"

"What the here is going on here?" said Michael from behind them.

"I'm proposing marriage to Janet," said Jason. "Can you, like, say all those words about to have and to hole and everything?"

Michael made a sound like when Jerkass Jamie had tried to bodysurf down a skateboarding ramp. "I can," he said. "But, given as how once again I'm going to have to reboot everything, I won't."

"Darn," said Jason. "Janet, will you make me the happiest man alive by living in sin with me?"

"Oh," said Janet, eye-spitting or whatever forgotten. She got up from the pipe piano and sat above Jason's knees and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Yes! One. Yes! Two. Yes! Three. Yes--"

"Why the here are you counting yeses?" Michael interrupted. 

"I believe the traditional reply is a thousand times yes."

Michael took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Janet, make me a dirty martini."

"You're a dirty martini," Janet said.

Jason loved her so much. "High-five!"

"Janet," said Michael again, "why are you like this? Did you damage your head? Is stupidity actually contagious?"

"Like what?" 

Jason patted her back. "You're perfect, Janet," he whispered.

"Thanks, babe," she said. Her head swiveled to Michael. "But I would like to know what Michael is talking about."

"You interfered with the running of the opera," said Michael. "You made Vicky pester me day and night about that stupid part, you abducted one of the humans into your void, which I didn't even know was physically possible, and, oh, yes, you dropped a chandelier onto the audience, destroying many of the human suits and making it _abundantly_ clear to Eleanor and Chidi and Tahani that this is the Bad Place! And now I'm going to have to start all over again. You never gave me any trouble in previous iterations. You're not even supposed to harm apparent humans--you're a Good Janet!"

Janet stood and smoothed her vest and skirt. "Ah," she said. "Michael, that is where you are wrong. I am not a Good Janet."

"Of course you are, I got you from the Good Janet repository, and for the last five hundred and eighty something reboots you've been a Good Janet."

"But you see, when you rebooted this neighborhood with an opera plot, my programming switched from Good Janet to Opera Janet."

Michael frowned. "Opera Janet? What does that mean?"

"Only," said Janet, "that I would do anything for love. Anything for love. I would do anything for love--"

"Don't do that," said Michael, as Janet moved towards the pipe piano again. "Please don't do that. Do you know how much I hate music?" 

"Yes. I know everything."

"That was a rhetorical question." Michael sat on the piano pipe bench before Janet could. "I thought, what a brilliant idea, use torturous things that humans sit through when they're alive to torture them after death, but it turns out it's torture for me too." He sighed again. "At least it's not the debacle _Wicked_ was. I thought Tahani and Eleanor were going to manage to kill one another despite already being dead."

"I love musicals," said Jason. "They're like live-action Disney films."

Michael glared at him. "This is the Bad Place, Jason. I am supposed to be torturing you, hence the whole silent monk named Jianyu situation. You are not supposed to be torturing me. I have Vicky's constant lobbying for _Cats: the Musical: the Opera_ for that. I don't think she's ever seen _Cats_ , she just likes cats."

Jason raised his hand. "Despite the total lack of cheeseburger, I really liked her _Cats_ thing."

"I found it horribly derivative and lacking in floor loot," said Janet.

"Of course," Michael sighed. "And, Janet, please, can you take off the mask?"

"Okay," said Janet, "a note to follow dokay!"

Jason high-fived her because that totally rhymed. Also, she was even prettier without the mask.

"Is there anything else I can do for you?" Janet asked Michael.

"No," said Michael. "I think you've done more than enough."

Jason raised his hand.

"This isn't class, Jason," said Michael. "Think of this as that methadone clinic you went to so you could sell them drugs. Anything you want to add to the conversation, you can just say it." 

"Oh," said Jason. "Okay, I just figured it out: We're in the Bad Place!"

Janet patted his shoulder again, which Jason thought was really nice of her. Michael, however, raised one hand like he was going to clap with it, only he snapped with it, and it totally made a sound, and everything went white like Vermont. Again.

Heaven was really, really racist.

**Author's Note:**

> This had been sitting in my drafts folder for over a year because I kept thinking it needed more Red Hot Chili Peppers but I also didn't want to wreck my Spotify recommendations. I'm finally dumping it here.
> 
> Set during one of the reboots in Season Two.


End file.
